is there a word to describe frustration, anger and disappointment, all at once? if there is, pray tell, because i am already breaking. i have translated them to tears and that cannot go on.
all i can say is that i gave so much. i tried so much and so hard and when i'm demoralized, i can't help it but let it eat at me.
i hate looking at the disappointment in your face. i don't want people to ask me if i'm okay because i'm not, and i don't deserve to hear the worry in your tone, because i should be feeling like shit in every way possible.
how can a leader break in front of her people, in such a crucial period? it's not showing that i'm human, it's showing that i'm a slacker, i'm weak and that i'm not ready.
i want to prove my worth. as a leader, as a member of this team, as a contender for the title. how do you stay strong for thirteen weeks?
always told myself to never mix emotions into my sport. maybe before, maybe after, but never during. you can only be a beast and nothing more out there on the waters. you cannot be a shaking, sobbing pile of nothingness. what kind of example are you setting. what kind of athlete are you. where is the fight.
tell me. where is your drive. where is your fight. where is the girl who would chase down every person who overtook her. where is the girl who tried so freaking hard to make it work, until it did.
tell me. TELL ME.
to my dear teacher, i am sorry and i am thankful for you. i don't deserve to hear those wonderful words from you and i cannot believe in them for now, until i'm worthy of acknowledging them. hold it close to you, if you will, because i'll be back to claim them, soon. soon.
you will be okay. you are strong, because if you weren't, your girls wouldn't have stayed.
come on. buck up.
every set you slack, you are one step closer to losing the title. we can't afford that. open your goddamn eyes and spit out every ounce of the fight you've got.
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